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Jeff the Killer (Comedy Version)
Excerpt from a local Newspaper™: OMINOUS! UNKNOWN!! KILLER!!! IS!!!! STILL!!!!! AT!!!!!! LARGE!!!!!!! After weeks upon weeks of ominous unknown murders, the ominous unknown killer is still on the ominous unknown rise. After little ominous unknown evidence has been found, a young ominous unknown boy states that he survived one of the ominous unknown killer’s ominous unknown attacks and bravely tells his ominous unknown story. “I had a bad dweam… it was the one with the giant powcupine that crawls up my ass… and I woke up when it was still dark,” says the ominous unknown boy, “My window was open, but my daddy put the safety lock on it after he put me to bed, so it should have still been cwosed. I got up to cwose it again, then I went back to bed. That’s when I heawd someone sneeze. I wooked up, and there was this guy who wooked wike an emo Michael Jackson. I would have peed my pants if I hadn’t awweady after the dweam.” “And then the emo guy said, ‘Go To Sleep’ with capital lettews on evwy wowd. I dfiufwubluhvmiab, and then he puwwed out a knife, and cinurmlxhajysvf, and then my daddy ran in with a shotgun and said, ‘Get the fizzityuck out of my house, you damn juggalo,’ and then bcwknfheigkmwe, and evwything was okay again.” “Daddy says the emo guy was just twying to give me a tattoo. I pwobabwy shouwdn’t bewieve that aftew what happened with Santa, but I don’t know what ewse the emo guy could’ve been heah fow. At weast it wasn’t the powcupine, that’s one thing that I’ww nevew get out of my head.” Police are looking for the ominous unknown man, but let’s be honest, the police in this town are total retards. If you see any ominous unknown one that fits the ominous unknown description in this ominous unknown story, please feel free to take the law into your own ominous unknown hands. ---- Jeff and his family had just moved to Mansionville, Richton. His dad had gotten a promotion at work, coincidentally around the same time the family acquired a rather large sum of cash. They thought it would be best to live in one of those “fancy” neighborhoods, with plenty of rich people who trust each other way too much. Jeff and his brother Liu couldn’t complain, though. A new, better house. What was not to love, besides the creepy basement filled with skeletons nobody wanted to go into? As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by. “Greetings,” she said, “My moniker is Barbara Hill. My life is spent at the structure twenty-nine feet from the structure you have selected to move into. I came to introduce an important plot point.” She turns around and calls her son over. “Billy, come and give greetings to our future harvest.” “HEL-LO, I AM SYNTHETIC LIFE FORM 37718, BUT YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO CALL ME BILLY.” The boy ran back to play in his yard. “Well how friendly, and I must say you look just wonderful today,” said Jeff’s mom, “I’m Margaret, Margaret Killer. This is my husband Peter, and my two sons Jeffrey and Liupold.” They each introduced themselves. Peter: “Oh, I get a line in this version? Okay. …Uuummmmm… uh… okay, just let me know if you need someone to do dad things. I’m gonna go read the paper and sip coffee.” Jeff: “Hey. ‘Sup? Life is pain. Knives are my only friends. They’re cold and unfeeling, just like me.” Liu: “Oh dear, it looks like someone accidentally knocked over your trashcan! That was my fault. I deserve to be punished for that, don’t I? Here, I’ve got a cattle prod you can use…” Barbara spoke up. “In precisely seven solar cycles, we are prepared to celebrate the event of my son’s creation.” “Oh you are, aren’t you?” Margaret asked, “Why, we'd love to come! Thanks for the invitation. I’m sure our children will get along nicely!” Their neighbor nodded and walked away. When Jeff and his family were done packing, Jeff went up to his mom. “Mother, why would you invite us to some robot boy’s party? If you haven’t noticed, I’m not some dumb kid. I cut myself and use my blood to write poetry. That kid isn’t even old enough to use a knife correctly.” “Jeff,” said his mother, “we just moved here. We should butter up our neighbors and earn their trust. Public image is everything, you know. Now, we’re going to that party, and that’s final.” Jeff started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he couldn’t do anything. Whenever his mom said something, it was final. He still remembered the time a tornado got in between her and a concert she spent weeks planning ahead for. The twister’s pained whimpers still echoed in his mind every night. He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a weird feeling. Not so much a pain, but… a weird feeling. He dismissed it as just puberty. He heard his mother call him down to get his stuff, and as he was about to walk down to do just that, he tripped and tumbled down the stairs. ---- The next day, Jeff fell down the stairs again while trying to get ready for school. As he sat there, eating the spinach sandwich his mother forced him to have every day, he once again got that feeling. This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging pain, but he once again assumed it was just hormones. After he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the bus stop. As they sat waiting for the bus, they began to hear something extreme heading towards them really fast. Then, something that looked like the ‘80s threw up on the ‘90s flew over them, coming only inches above their laps. They jumped back in surprise, and ran into the back of the bench. “Hey. What’s the deal?” Jeff asked. “Did I do something wrong?” Liu inquired. The kid landed and turned back to them. He tried to kick up his skateboard, but it went skidding across the road. He went to get it, nearly being crushed by a semi in the process. He then got back, and tried to kick his skateboard up again. This time it just hit him in the face. The kid seemed to be about twelve, only one year younger than Jeff. He had baggy clothes, a hoody, a backwards hat, and was extremely white. “Gnarly, man! Hey dudes, these two jokers are icing my grill!” Suddenly, two other kids appeared. One looked like he had anorexia, the other was so fat it was a wonder he was able to stay standing. “Yo, since you’re both noobs, I’d like to introduce my homies. The walking toothpick is Keith, and the icy blar is Troy. As for me, I’m Randy!” Jeff studied this strange group carefully. “Whatever you intend to do to me is nothing compared to the crushing despair of day-to-day life,” he told them. “Alright, I was gonna go easy on your ooglay asses,” Randy growled, “but now you’re thinkin’ you’re more edgy than me? No one’s more edgy than me, man! Now here’s the deal, yo, you gotta pay us for bus fare! All the noobs gotta do it!” “That’s right,” Keith chimed in, pulling out a coffee mug, “we’re gonna mug you!” Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid’s eyes, as if to say “I volunteer to be beaten up by violent strangers.” Keith quickly pulled a knife on him. “Can’t you cooperate with me, scumbag?” Randy’s annoying voice kept going on, “Well if we ain’t gonna do this the easy way, we’s gonna do this the Randy way! I’m gonna punk your wannabe gangsta asses!” The kid walked up to Liu, and took the wallet out of his pocket. Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation, in his arms. He felt like he needed to hit something. Every muscle in his body demanded that he hit something immediately. He stood up. “Hey, what are you doing?” Liu protested, “I’ve always wanted to get mugged! Don’t ruin the moment!” Jeff ignored him and walked up to Randy. “Give my brother back his wallet. You have no idea what my mother had to go through in order to get it for him.” Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own knife. “Dude, chill. Don’t start wigging ou-” Before Randy could finish that sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose. As Randy reached for his face, Jeff grabbed the kid’s wrist. “Last chance,” Jeff said calmly, “I’d hate for your piano career to be ruined.” “Your mother!” Jeff broke the kid’s wrist. Randy screamed, and Jeff grabbed the knife from his hand. Troy and Keith rushed Jeff, but Jeff just threw Randy at them and ducked behind the bench. Keith pulled himself out from under Randy, and started lashing out at Jeff. Jeff ducked around and stabbed him in the leg. “Noooo!” Keith screamed, falling to the ground, “I cannot be de-feet-ed this way!” Troy rushed Jeff too, but Jeff just punched him in the stomach. Troy was propelled several feet backward into a telephone pole. A pair of shoes that were previously hanging from one of the lines landed on Troy’s head. Liu could do nothing but glare at Jeff. “Jeff, what’s the deal?” he demanded, “We had a good thing going!” “We don’t have the money to give you ten surgeries a week,” Jeff told him, “Can’t you just cut like everyone else?” “No, I’m too much of a wimp,” Liu replied, “By the way, how’d you do all that?” Jeff looked at himself. “I dunno. Maybe it was the spinach. I saw a cartoon once where it gave a guy super strength.” They saw a bus coming. “Let’s run away from the scene of the crime,” Jeff told Liu quickly, “That’s sure to make us look innocent.” “But what if I want to go to jail?” Liu complained. As they ran, they looked back and saw the bus driver rushing over to Randy and the others. As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they didn’t dare tell what happened. All they did was sit and listen. “Okay class,” said Jeff’s teacher, “today we’re gonna learn about why communism is the best thing ever and everyone who says otherwise is lying to you! Open up your books to page 34 and start from the top.” When Jeff got home, his parents asked him how his day was, and he said in a somewhat ominous voice, “It was okay I guess, but the teacher is fizzityucking nuts.” ---- The next morning, Jeff heard a knock at his front door. He walked down to find two police officers at the door, his mother looking back at him with an angry look. “Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. That it wasn’t regular fighting – I guess there’s a difference? Eh, what do I know? Anyway, those kids were stabbed! That’s not how we make good impressions!” Jeff’s gaze fell to the floor, which would have told her something if that weren’t his default position. “Oh come on,” he said, “I fight one guy…” “Three.” “THREE guys,” he continued, “and suddenly I’m the bad guy.” “We found three kids,” said one of the cops, “Two were stabbed, one had a bruise on his stomach. There were witnesses proving that you fled the scene. So, uh, what’s that tell us?” “Hey, wait a minute,” Jeff replied, “those guys took our wallet. We never got it back, and they should still have it. Shouldn’t that at least be considered?” The officers exchanged a glance. “We uh…” “We didn’t go through their pockets…” said one. “We didn’t look at the picture…” said the other. Both officers shrugged. Jeff facepalmed. “This is why I hate everything,” he grumbled. He knew it was no use. He could say anything, but these oafs either weren’t competent enough or weren’t willing to do a complete investigation. “Son, call down your brother,” said his mother, “I’m sure he’ll love this.” Jeff couldn’t do it. If Liu went to Juvy, he’d probably jump right into the worst of it without thinking it through, and end up killed or worse. “It was me, sir,” he said, “I was the one who beat up those kids. Liu tried to tell me not to, but I didn’t listen.” The officers looked at each other, and both nodded. “Well that makes it easier. Come on, kid, you’re in for the longest year of your life.” “Wait!” came a voice from the stairs. It was Liu, holding a knife. “Oh god, he’s got a weapon!” one of the cops said with panic in his voice. “D-drop your weapon!” said the other, pulling out his gun, “I’ve only got two weeks until retirement, and I know what happens to the guy who’s only got two weeks until retirement!” “It was me, sirs!” Liu said proudly, “I beat up those little punks, and I’ve got the marks to prove it!” He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts and bruises, as if he was in a struggle. “J-j-just put the knife down,” said the first officer. Liu held up the knife and dropped it on the ground. He put his hands up and walked over to the cops. “Liu, what are you doing?” Jeff protested, “You’re gonna get yourself killed!” “Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away!” The police led Liu out to the patrol car. “Liu, you idiot, just tell them it was me! You’re making a big mistake!” Jeff’s mother put her hands on his shoulders. “Jeff, please. We know Liu did it so he could be taken to JDC. We’ll just tell the neighbors he’s adopted.” A few minutes later, Jeff’s dad pulled into the driveway. “Hello, I’m here to perform dad functions. Anyone got some hot dogs I can grill? Maybe a ball game I can miss because of work in a few days?” ---- Time went by, no word from Liu. Jeff just assumed he was dead, and went on with his usual routine. For the rest of the week, there was nothing. No friends to hang out with (not that Jeff wanted any), nothing but the knowledge that life is meaningless and we’re all going to die. That is until Saturday, when Jeff’s mother woke him up with a happy, sunshiny face. It was terrible. “Jeff, it’s the day~” she said as she opened up the curtains and let light flood into the room. Jeff retreated into the shadows. “What the hell, mom? You know how much I hate the sun!” “But Billy’s party is today,” she said, “You remember that, right?” “Mom, you can’t be serious. What am I even going to do? They don’t look like the sort of people who have Tim Burton movies or Edgar Allen Poe books lying around.” “Shut up and get dressed, Jeff,” his mother demanded. Jeff picked out a random Hot Topic shirt and a pair of jeans and walked down the stairs. He saw his mother and father all dressed up. His father looked particularly uncomfortable. He sighed, knowing exactly what this meant, and went back upstairs to grab something better. Lacking any fancy clothes, he just grabbed a white hoodie and a pair of dress pants. “You’re wearing that?” his mother asked. She then looked at her watch. “Well, no time to change. We’d better go.” She herded Jeff and his father out the door. They crossed the street over to Barbara and Billy’s house. They knocked on the door, and it appeared that Barbara was way over-dressed, just like Jeff’s parents. “The spawn are in the area of short mown grass behind our living space,” she said, “Emo human known as Jeff, I would recommend you go out and interact with some of them.” Jeff walked outside to a yard full of kids. They were running around in weird cowboy costumes in a panic, as Billy chased them shouting “EX-TER-MIN-ATE!” He might as well be standing in a Toys R Us, and he was way too edgy for that. Suddenly, a kid came up to him and handed him a toy gun and hat. “You’ll need these to defend yourself against the killer robot,” he said, “Good luck.” “Ah, no kid. I was just going to jump the fence and run off to Hot Topic.” The kid looked at him with that weird puppydog face. “Pwease?” said the kid. An explosion was heard. “Man down! Man down!” one of the kids cried. Jeff sighed. “Fine,” he said, putting on the hat and starting to pretend shoot at the kids. At first, he thought it was ridiculous, but then started to really wish he was dead right about now. He put on a smile like everyone else, but on the inside, he was melodramatically whining about how much he hates living. But then he heard a noise. A familiar noise. An extreme noise. And then suddenly, a “Cowabunga!” Randy, troy and Keith all jumped over the fence on their skateboards. Jeff dropped the fake gun and ripped off the hat. Randy looked at Jeff with a burning hatred. “Yo dawg, we’ve got some unfinished biz.” Jeff saw his bruised nose. “What makes you think it’ll turn out any different this time?” Randy got an angry look in his eyes. “’Cause I’m the shizzle, and you’re a total narbo!” “I have no idea what you just said.” Randy rushed at Jeff. They both fell to the ground. Randy punched Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and head butted him. Jeff pushed Randy off him, and both rose to their feet. Kids were screaming more than usual, and parents were running out of the house. “Hey, this isn’t the kid-killer I was promised!” one of them said, “I want my money back!” Troy and Keith both pulled guns out of their pockets. “I jacked these from my pops,” said Troy, “No one interrupts, alright?” Keith threatened, “Unless you want lead poisoning!” Jeff suddenly remembered that he forgot to eat spinach. “I’M SCREEEEEEWEEED!” he screamed, falling to his knees. Randy started kicking him in the face. “One can of whoop-ass, two cans of whoop-ass, three cans of whoop-ass…” after the third can, Jeff grabbed his foot and twisted it, causing Randy to fall to the ground. Jeff stood up and walked back towards the door, having remembered a plate of spinach inside. Troy grabbed him. “Duh, need some help, Jeffy boy?” he asked, picking Jeff up by the back of his collar. “Wow, you’re a lot stronger than you look,” Jeff commented before being thrown through the patio door. “I only eat spinach, and I only snort garlic!” Troy said proudly. Randy repeatedly started kicking Jeff, until he started to cough up blood. “Aw come on, home skillet, fight back!” He picked Jeff up and threw him into the kitchen. Randy saw a bottle of vodka on the counter, and smashed the glass over Jeff’s head. “Fight, dammit!” he cried, throwing Jeff back into the living room. The adults just stood there, watching. “Um, don’t you think we should do something?” one of them asked. “Hey, where else are you going to see two kids duking it out like this?” said someone else, “Just keep watching.” “Let’s make popcorn!” “Five dollars on the emo one!” “Come on, don’t be a bogard dude,” Randy pleaded, “I got your bro put in the slammer, and you’re just gonna keep takin’ it? You’re such a narc!” Jeff started to get up. Once again, he got that strange feeling. He hadn’t felt it in awhile. What is this feeling, he thought. Fervid as a flame, does it have a name? Yes… Jeff grabbed Randy, and pile drove him into the ground. Hyper-realistic blood began to spurt from Randy’s face. Jeff then got on top of Randy. “Dude, this is so gay,” Randy muttered, “Oh well, at least I get to have a hyper-violent death! Extreme forever, ‘yaa-” Jeff punched straight into his heart. The punch caused a micro shockwave in Randy’s chest, and into his stomach, where there was a light bulb he swallowed on a dare the previous day. The light bulb shattered, sending pieces of broken glass into Randy’s stomach lining and into his bloodstream. The broken glass moved strangely fast toward Randy’s heart. Randy took one final breath, and died. Fatality. Everyone was looking at Jeff. The parents, the crying kids, even Troy and Keith. Someone quickly pulled out their phone and snapped a picture. Jeff ran for the stairs. Troy and Keith opened fire, but since they aim like Stormtroopers, every single bullet missed. Jeff went up the stairs and ducked into a bathroom. Behind him, he could hear the adults talking amongst themselves. “Thanks for the popcorn.” “This was a really good idea.” “Hey, shouldn’t we be calling 911 or something?” “Nah, I wanna see them fight some more.” “Ten dollars on the emo one!” “You already won seventy in the last round!” “Not my fault everyone bet against me.” Remembering what he learned from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Jeff ripped a towel off the wall. Troy and Keith raced in brandishing their knives, only for Jeff to whip the towel in their faces. The blow knocked Troy down somehow. “A towel!” Troy cried, “My one weakness!” All the towel did to Keith was mildly annoy him. He grabbed Jeff by the neck, and pushed him into the wall. Jeff’s gaze was forced upward, and that was when he saw it. The thing of bleach. It was a container unlike any he had ever seen. It was a roundish cube inside a cylinder inside a dodecahedron, lined with handles within handles, painted with stripes and polka-dots in colors Jeff didn’t know the human eye was capable of seeing, and at the top was a cap that simultaneously was and wasn’t there. Then, slowly, the thing began to fall. Its many handles seemed to beckon like fingers, while the tassels at the bottom writhed as if they were alive, and yet everything on the thing remained perfectly still. Liquid began to pour from the open-yet-not-open lid, like an inside-out Old Faithful. Slowly, the liquid splashed onto Jeff’s face, burning him in a way that he had never felt before. As the thing continued its slow-motion descent, its eyes seemed to mock him, and its gears came to a stop. When it hit the ground, the world seemed to crash along with it. And then there was silence, as if all the universe was in mourning. Jeff wiped his eyes, picked up the towel rack, and swung it into Keith’s head. As he lay there losing consciousness, he began to smile. “How can you smile when everything is awful?” Jeff asked. Keith pulled a lighter out of hammerspace, and switched it on. “Y’know, I was wrong about you, Jeff,” he said, “I thought you were lame, but you’re actually pretty cool. Let me warm you up.” Keith threw the lighter. Jeff burst into flame. Keith flinched. “Oh, that is so not how bleach works…” he examined the thing, “What were they keeping in that, gasoline?” ---- Jeff woke up looking like the woman from that one episode of The Twilight Zone. He couldn’t see anything, but he still tried to get up to use the bathroom, but then he realized there was a tube in a very uncomfortable place. A nurse rushed in. “My child, it would be best if you didn’t get up just yet,” she said as she laid him back down, “Be good, alright?” Jeff sat there for what seemed like hours, unable to see or do anything but appreciate the gentle darkness. And then his mother showed up. “Jeff, you won’t believe how much money I won!” she said. Jeff couldn’t respond because his face was covered. “Oh, by the way, I have… news. They decided to let Liu go. Just thought I’d let you know.” Jeff sighed, and hoped he wouldn’t have to spend the next week listening to Liu’s punishment fetish. “He’ll be out… way too soon for my or anyone’s taste.” Over the next couple weeks, Jeff was visited by his family every now and then. Liu, as he predicted, wouldn’t shut up about the trouble he got himself into in prison. One day, he heard his parents in the hallway. “What should we do about him?” Margaret asked, “Everyone’s talking about it. I hear them whispering behind my back. ‘There goes the mother of that awful emo kid who beats people up.’ We’re ruined, Peter! Ruined!” “Hey, don’t look at me,” said Peter, “I only do dad things. I don’t know anything about things like this.” Then came the day when the bandages were to be removed. Jeff’s family, begrudgingly, came to see the results. The doctors unwrapped the bandages from Jeff’s face, and everyone was waiting in dread, afraid of what they might see. Then, the last bandage came off. Margaret fainted from shock. “How bad is it?” Jeff asked. “Hey, it’s not that bad,” said Liu, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” “I’ll be the judge of that,” said Jeff. He rushed out of bed and ran to the bathroom mirror. He then saw the cause of the distress. It was horrible. His lips were as red as blood, his face was as white as snow, his hair was as black as coal, and he had the strangest craving for poisoned apples. “How the heck did this happen?” he asked. “You see, now,” the doctor explained, “Barbara is a mad scientist. The thing of bleach was actually full of an experimental formula that turns people into even more of what they are. Jeff is emo, so the formula made him look even more emo.” “I’m loving my new look,” Jeff said, making kissy faces at himself in the mirror, “I look just like a Tim Burton character. Somebody call my agent.” “Doctor,” said Margaret, coming to, “if he… alright? In the head?” “I thought he was always like this…” the doctor said, “Actually, now that you mention it, it’s said that the thing of bleach is so inconceivable that looking upon it can drive mortal men to madness.” “Whatever doctor,” said Margaret, “Come on, Jeff, the plot is back home.” Jeff found himself being forcibly dragged away from the mirror, his face having formed into a crazy smile. “Alright mom!” he laughed. ---- Alright, you all know this part. Margaret woke up to a sound coming from the bathroom. She slowly walked over to see what it was. Long story short, Jeff was cutting himself even worse than usual. “Jeff, we talked about this,” she said, “no cutting yourself after ten o’clock.” Jeff looked over to his mother. “You wanna know how I got these scars?” he asked. “We get it, you watched The Dark Knight fifty times again,” Margaret told him, “Go to sleep, Jeff.” “Come on, what’s the matter? Aren’t I beautiful?” Jeff asked, “Why so serious?” Margaret sighed. “Alright Jeff, I’ve had it with this bullcrap. I’m not going to be known as that woman with the weird pale kid.” She called out to Peter, “Get the gun!” “Wait, what?” Jeff asked. Peter slowly woke up. “What? Gun?” he asked, “I haven’t even had my coffee yet…” “Well, the plot says I’m supposed to kill you now,” said Jeff, “Got any regrets?” “Just one:” said Margaret, “Not being in a better story.” And then Jeff killed everybody and lived happily ever after. The end. Category:Jeffery